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Vivation and Attachment


Many people confuse attachment with love, even though they are very nearly opposites. If someone says to you, "I can't live without you," you'll think that's great if the basis of your relationship is suppression. It sounds like you'll be able to keep that person around and probably even abuse them to some extent, which means you won't have to face up to a lot of your own feelings. When someone says that to you, however, it's a sign of their attachment and nothing at all to do with love. The attachment will make the person try to control you, pretty much constantly. Anyone would want to be in control of something that their life depends on. Even when you are trying to grow as a person, your very attached partner will want to control exactly in which direction you grow. They will have very definite opinions about how you need to be different in order to better help them to suppress their feelings, so they'll tell you that it's good for you to "grow" in precisely that way. The very attached partner is never going to encourage you to grow in ways that increase your freedom or make you harder to control. If someone genuinely loves you, then they will love you the same even if you decide to leave them. Yes, I do realize how rare that is. Many relationships are based on agreements (not consciously stated, obviously) to help each other suppress feelings. All the feelings that you don't like when a relationship comes apart are feelings you are trying to keep suppressed by being in a relationship. If you can't stand the way you feel when you're alone, then you are going to do your best to monopolize someone in a relationship. That kind of relationship leads to many complicated control patterns. Trying to control someone is pretty darned close to the opposite of loving them. Vivation improves relationships by integrating the attachments. To know whether your relationship is based on attachment or love, just answer these questions: What percentage of your time with this person is devoted to one of you trying to control or change the other? How much do you have to be careful what you say in order to avoid unpleasantness? If you integrated your feelings, including loneliness, so that you had no attachment to this person, and simply loved this person unconditionally, would you choose to spend more of your time or less of your time in the presence of this person?

Many people confuse attachment with motivation or expect to get their motivation from attachment. There are plenty of so-called "motivational speakers" who go on stage and fire everybody up with attachment to material gains. One very common place to find this is in multi-level-marketing programs.  My opinion is that it's very self-defeating for MLM programs to do that, because the first many months of working in any MLM program are all work and extremely low pay. If you try to motivate people with attachment to material gain, then a large majority of people will drop out of the MLM program during those first few months of making one dollar per hour or even less. Attachment leads to frustration at every apparent setback, which is the opposite of genuine motivation. Also, if your main motivation is material gain, your potential customers will know that and be utterly turned off. If you focus on the customer's money, I guarantee that the customer will also follow your lead and also focus on his money. That's why most MLM programs sell nearly all of their product to downline distributors instead of to retail customers. What the uplines care about is money, rather than the product, so that's all they can sell with enthusiasm is the business plan and not the product. I have only worked a couple of MLM programs in my life, one when I was about 20 and one when I was about 45. The one I did when I was 45 I liked because I liked the product, knowing, of course, that the odds that I would ever actually make any money were very slim.

My uplines used to get very impatient with me when I would express enthusiasm for the product or want to become better informed about the product, because all they cared about was the money. Anytime someone is motivated primarily by money, you can be sure that they'll never find any happiness, because they'll be just as dissatisfied with money even if they manage to get more of it. I have known many wealthy people in my life and I have seen what I'm telling you here countless times. People who blame their unhappiness on their lack of money typically have no compassion for the rich, because they think that having money means having no cause of unhappiness, which is utterly false. People who get enthusiastic about what they are doing that makes money always do better work and make more money than people who only get attached to the money itself.  If you're attached to money then obviously you can't enjoy spending it, because spending it reduces your quantity of money, and you can't enjoy working to make money, because the attachment makes you always look at how little money there is, so you'll always feel like you're not getting paid enough for what you do.

Do not think that being attached to a certain outcome makes you any more likely to achieve that outcome. People often make a grave error in how they manage themselves, by constantly increasing their attachment to a certain desired result. That is based on a bad misunderstanding of the nature of motivation and the nature of causation. Attachment has a very negative effect on motivation. For one thing, attachment reduces the flexibility of the mind. The attachment creates the illusion that the attached person knows what the desired result is going to look like and how the desired result is going to happen. This narrow-mindedness makes many occurrences look like setbacks even when they actually are not. The apparent setbacks threaten the certainty that the person is ever going to achieve the result to which he is attached, which makes him want to cut his losses and not throw any more energy into something that looks like it might never pay off.

Thus, in the time of an apparent setback, the person loses his motivation, right at the moment when motivation is most important. What we want is to be motivated continuously to do our best, simply for the pleasure inherent in doing our best, whether or not it looks at any particular moment like we are going to achieve our desired outcome. Motivation to do our best is the very opposite of attachment. Anytime a person makes a particular outcome more important than doing his best, he is setting himself up for disappointment and regret.  Attachment also greatly increases the stress, fear, and negative emotions that the person experiences all the way through the project, even at the moment of finally attaining the desired outcome--attachment robs even success of its joy. Attachment also takes the person out of present time. Attachment has the person constantly focusing on the future, on either getting or not getting the desired outcome. A person can only do his best when focusing in present time on what he's doing right now.  So the stronger the attachment the less one is able to do his best and the less likely he is to achieve the desired outcome. If one let's go of the attachment entirely, then he can take great satisfaction in simply doing his best, without the distraction of worrying about the outcome. This ensures a happy and productive life and greatly increases the probability of success.

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> The Importance of Emotional iiiiResolution

> Articles on Vivation

> Vivation and Loving Yourself iiiiThin™

> Vivation and Attachment, by iiiiJim Leonard, the founder of iiiiVivation

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